


Maybe He'll Love Me Then...

by DiphylleiaGrayis



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, I'm redoing things to make it more recent but also keeping to the original story, I'm so sorry, M/M, OT12 - Freeform, Possibly Triggering, Sad Sehun, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slight taohun, it's not all sad I promise!, kris is a jerk be warned, oh god I regret rewritting this I was so bad at writing in 2014, slight hunhan, this was originally written back in 2014 so if anything seems outdated just know that's why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:29:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8069851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiphylleiaGrayis/pseuds/DiphylleiaGrayis
Summary: Sehun would do anything for Kris. Because, maybe he'll love him then...But who will be there for him to pick up the pieces?——— Put the food down, refuse to eat, you're doing well. Cover that scar, don't show how you get your release.Fake a smile, play pretend, it doesn't matter how you really feel.Learn, do, repeat until your feet bleed.Practice, practice, practice. You're fading, say it's fine, it'll all be over soon.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is crossposted from my account on AFF under the username FlamingBlingJongHo. 
> 
> Be aware of the tags! This could be possibly triggering, I would hate if I caused anyone to relapse or anything else because of my writings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: descriptive self-harm. Read at your own risk.

He looks down at his plate, his stomach growling. Sehun is hungry, as is everyone else; their day had been long and practice was hard. They had arrived at the studio early morning and the time now was long past midnight. The sullen air of night seemed to mimic how worn down all the members seemed to be. When rehearsal had finished, the group, for once all together, all but dragged themselves to the nearest open restaurant. Thankfully a BBQ place near the studio was open 24/7. The sound of sizzling meat mingled with the chatter of the members and other late night customers. Sehun reaches for a piece of meat, freshly cooked and steaming, and lifts it to his mouth before stopping.

"Sehun don't eat that or you'll get fat." Kris warns, it's unwarranted and harsh. His tone is low and Sehun thinks he is the only person that caches the comment.

Sehun wants to cry; his stomach is screaming to be fed and the ache is so deep he can feel it in his bones. The food looks so good and his eyes really do water with the intoxicating aroma, but he puts the food down.

Luhan glances towards him before sending a glare towards Kris, Sehun hadn't been the only one to hear. "That's rude. Don't listen to him Sehuna, eat what you want. You need the energy." Sehuna, he likes it when Luhan calls him by his nickname. Most members in EXO have one for him, but it's rare Luhan uses it.

"It's okay Hyung, I already ate." It's not a lie, not really, but Luhan doesn't need to know it was yesterday. Kris was right, he always is. He doesn't think Kris meant any harm by the statement, he was just looking our for him. Sehun has an image to look after, he is an idol after all, and Kris knows that. Sometimes, Sehun thinks, he isn't mindful of himself, does careless things like eating too much. But Kris is always there to keep him on track. The Chinese leader reprimands him when he does something wrong and reminds him when he shouldn't do something. 

Luhan gives Sehun a quick, sympathetic smile and the younger returns it with one of his own. The net few hours are full of eating and laughter, the exchange long forgotten; Sehun is glad to see all of his members talking with each other, energy renewed, it's not often they can all make it out together. Kris doesn't say another work to him throughout the night and Sehun remains seated next to him as we watches the other talk. Even though there's multiple times where he could join in on the conversation, Sehun stays quiet. But the members don't seem to notice, if anyone does they don't point it out, which Sehun is grateful for. He adds in a comment here and there, but overall keeps talking to a minimum, he knows Kris doesn't like it very much when he talks too much with. That's why he doesn't engage much with others. Some call him cold because of it; Sehun doesn't mind, though, as long as he still has Kris.

The walk to the dorm seems to take longer than usual. Hunger radiates through his entire body making it numb; coupled with that is his exhaustion from the hard day and Sehun can't wait until he can retire to his bed. However, no sooner do they reach the doors does he retreat to the bathroom, locking the door when it shuts. Sehun wipes the corners of his eyes, he hadn't even noticed they were watering, as he walks towards the shower. The water begins to pour from the shower head, the sound masking any other noises to come from the small bathroom. Kris's comment still lingers in his head and repeats itself as Sehun sticks his fingers down his throat. All he can feel is utter disgust for his body and wants to remove anything that could potentially turn into fat. Sehun hunches over the toilet; only bile comes up before he starts to dry heave, his insides to remove something that isn't there. He feels the burning of his throat as his chest expands trying to regain air. 

Sehun flushes any evidence, not wanting any of the other members to know. He rinses his mouth, swishing the cold water around, trying to rid it from the awful taste. By now the bathroom is fogged with the heat of the running water, but as Sehun peals off his clothes he is still able to see his reflection in the blurry mirror. 

 _Disgusting._ He thinks; he feels unworthy, like he doesn't deserve the life he has. He scratches at his thighs, as if wanting to rip the skin off. The drag of his blunt nails against his skin left behind raised red marks, marring his pale skin. Sehun doesn't know how someone as ugly as him could ever be an idol, much less have a boyfriend who is an idol as well. He doesn't question why Kris doesn't love him, how could he? All Sehun could see was gross, ugly fat. He was unfit to be an idol or to be able to say he was in a relationship with Kris. Sehun looks to the corner of the room where they keep a small scale; for a second he wants to step on it to see how much he really weighed. But after a moment of though he decides to not to, the image in front of him and Kris's words speak for themselves. Sehun is fat, he doesn't need to define it farther with a number. 

He lifts a shaky hand to wipe away the fog on the mirror. Where Sehun sees fat, others see bones. His hips and ribs protrude out, almost sharp looking. At the same time they look delicate, almost fragile, like if you were to grip onto one it would break under your touch. His stomach is angled in, making him look even more sickly, light muscle definition the only thing keeping his middle from completely caving in. The gap between is thighs is so wide that even if he were to try he couldn't make them touch. How the other members hadn't noticed the drastic change in his body is a wonder in itself, the amount of weight he had lost since dating Kris was seriously concerning. Sehun had always been naturally thin, but no one naturally looked like a skeleton. 

The vision Sehun had of himself was skewed. The image he had created of his body was one that only he himself could see. Sehun saw himself as ugly and fat because of the words that had been pounded in his head by the man he loved, the only person's opinion he cared about. His lover, if he could even be called that, could be blamed for his downfall. But Sehun would never blame him, never. Kris could, and had, beat him yet Sehun still found no fault in the older. Because those harsh words he burned into his skin were because he cared, and the bruises he left were remembrances of his touches. Sehun romanticized the idea of their relationship to a point where he no longer saw the knives that Kris carved his emotions with as tools of hurt, but as Cupid's arrows. Kris didn't love him, Sehun knew that. But if he did what the older wanted and followed what he said then perhaps he could become skinny and perfect and, maybe, he'll love him then.

 

It's later into the night when Luhan lets his mind drift back towards Sehun. _Had the younger been losing weight?_ Sehun had always liked baggier clothes so it's hard to tell. But if he was, did it have something to do with Kris? Probably, Luhan thought. Luhan personally had nothing against the EXO M leader, but the way he had spoken to Sehun earlier, though it wasn't the first time, irked him. What had made him even more upset, however, was how Sehun just went along with what Kris told him. The younger so easily made an excuse it seemed like a second nature, it wasn't normal. Also, since they had begun their relationship Sehun had been spending less and less time with him. The two had once been so close; but now it was as though Sehun never had to for Luhan, and that sort of hurt. Luhan wondered if he was the only one that had noticed Sehun's changing behavior.

"Have you guys, I don't know, noticed anything different about Sehun lately?" He asks, breaking the quiet spell. The room was near silent, save for the sound of the TV and the shower running in the distance. After they had returned home Chanyeol had proposed the idea of a movie night. Luhan, Jongin, Joonmyun, and Tao had agreed, the movie was one they had seen tens of times but the time with the members was always worth missing a couple hours of sleep, while the other returned to their respective rooms. 

 

The members turn their heads towards Luhan, acknowledging what he had said but supplying no answer. It's Tao who speaks first. 

"You mean other than him doing whatever Kris says like a lost puppy?" He slightly scoffs, returning his attention back to the movie. "Sort of pathetic, really."

Joonmyun fixes him with a reprimanding look, "That's not very nice Tao. You know how Sehun gets when he like something; he dives in head first. Don't be rude because he's excited about his relationship."

"That's not what I'm talking about– well it is, kind of." Luhan furrows his brows, unsure of how to say what he really means. "I'm talking about how Sehun isn't really... Well isn't Sehun. Does that make sense? I think he's lost weight, but I can't really tell. And he just seems off. It's like we never see him anymore; he's either somewhere with Kris or holed up in his room." 

He shifts from his position on the floor so he can face the room's occupants. "We all know how Kris can be. He's slightly possessive of his things." Joonmyun says, earning him a glare from Jongin. 

Jongin looks, and sounds, a bit offended. It was a known fact the dancer harbors a small fondness for the group's youngest member. "But Sehun's not his possession, he's not a _thing_ that Kris can own." 

"That's what I mean! Kris talks to him like he owns Sehun. Like at dinner he..." Luhan trails off, unsure if he should continue on. Even if he didn't agree with what Kris had said it doesn't give him to discuss their relationship. 

"What did Kris say?" Tao questions, shutting off the movie since no one was watching it anymore. Everyone's interest lays fully in the conversation, maybe Luhan really wasn't the only one to notice the change. 

Luhan fidgets in his seat on the couch, looking down to it's fading brown surface. "It's probably nothing, but when we were eating he told Sehun to stop or he'd get fat. Maybe I'm just overreacting bu—"

"Wait, what? No fucking way. Sehun weighs 63kgs, tops." Chanyeol comments, cutting Luhan off, sounding slightly upset.

"It's just what I heard! I-I don't know..." Luhan really doesn't want to cause drama among the members, but he also wants to help out his friend if needed. 

But Luhan doesn't even know if his help really is needed. Sehun would tell him if he wanted his help. Right? 

"That's ridiculous, Kris wouldn't go that far would he?" Jongin asks, looking around at the others. He truly wants to think Kris wouldn't say something like that.

Chanyeol huffs out a breath before replying, a frown set deep within his features. "Maybe you just didn't hear right? Kris can be a real jerk, but I don't think even he would say that. Especially not to Sehun." He pauses for a moment, thinking it over. "At least I really hope not."

He wants to think Kris is a good guy, Chanyeol really does. Because at the end of the day he's a member, and a friend before all else. But even so, no one's sure about how far he really would go. Chanyeol had seen how hot tempered Kris could be, he had a short fuse and when he blew up it was never pretty. Kris had never really been known at being good at expressing what he was thinking, and more often than not his brain-to-mouth filter is off. He, himself, had only been victim of Kris's razor like tongue a few times, but there was countless other times where Kris had gone off on the other members. It seemed as though Kris would bottle things up; keeping them hidden until he snapped.

If Kris wanted to vent to someone Sehun was the most logical solution; he was the perfect sounding board and his attraction towards the older was undeniable. Tao's "lost puppy" comment wasn't too far off, in all actuality. Sehun looked up to Kris, even before they were dating. Chanyeol prays that Kris wouldn't abuse Sehun's kindness and admiration, and that what Luhan had said wasn't true. Sehun, in the past, had terrible body image issues. Chanyeol can remember when the younger had first entered the company, he was so thin Chanyeol feared he might break under the intense training they underwent. But Sehun had proven him wrong time and time again. Never once did Sehun back down from a challenge, always trying to better himself. Sehun had shown Chanyeol the real meaning of strength an perseverance, he would always be a friend he would cherish. If he ever needed help, Chanyeol wouldn't hesitate to lend a hand. 

Jongin fumes to himself, he'd never really been that fond of Kris. In all honesty, he wouldn't put much past the Chinese leader. He may be a member, but didn't mean Jongin had to agree with everything Kris did. He's a bit relieved, though, at least he hadn't been the only one to notice a shift in Sehun. Jongin should have figured Luhan would also pick up on the youngest change. The two were, at times, inseparable. Jongin can remember multiple occasions in which he was jealous of the way Sehun would lean on Luhan or of their late night, impromptu bubble tea ventures. His own feelings aside, Jongin really does wish the best for Sehun. If something, or someone makes him happy, then Jongin can't complain. But likewise, if he's hurting than Jongin will do anything in his power to help. When he sees Sehun in pain, Jongin gets an uncomfortable ache deep within his chest. It doesn't go away until he sees the other smile; which, Jongin notes, he hasn't seen for awhile. At least, not really. Jongin doesn't think the quick, distant upturn of his lips could count as a smile. Even if he isn't the cause behind it, Jongin wants to see Sehun smile again. 

The two remaining members had relatively the same thoughts running through their minds. Neither Tao nor Joonmyun had noticed anything concerning going on with Sehun. They both assumed the two were still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and that was why they had been spending so much time together. That wasn't uncommon was it? Joonmyun wondered if he should bring up the issue with Kris, face to face, or if he should just let it go. Sure, Kris had a sharp mouth but that didn't mean Joonmyun could just waltz up to him and say "hey I heard about what you said to Sehun and I don't think you should say things like that." He had no right, the EXO K leader hadn't even been there when the whole situation went down. Joonmyun would let it slide, this time, but he would definitely be paying more attention in the future. Tao, who spent the most time with Kris out of the members, would make sure to keep him in check if he needed to. Sehun was his friend, and no one hurt his friends.

 

 The voices of the members carry throughout the otherwise silent dorm. They had become so immersed in their conversation that they hadn't noticed the water shutting off and the light creaking of the door as Sehun peaked out to listen. They're talking about him and a familiar wetness creeps into his eyes. He shuts the door as quickly and quietly as possible, no longer able to continue listening. His back slides against the smooth surface of the bathroom wall as he rests his unsteady hands again the hard tile of the floor.  _Oh god,_ Sehun mentally screams,  _they think I'm a problem, I ruined their night._ His head is swimming with guilt as he tightly grips his hair, a few loose strands falling to floor. He hadn't meant to cause a scene at diner, he was just doing as Kris told him. _Kris._ Oh no, he thinks, they were blaming Kris when it was really all his fault. 

 _His fault. Always his fault. Always._ The words repeat over and over in his mind as Sehun scrambles to stand up, his feet unsure. His hands fumble to find purchase as he searches through the bathroom cabinet. Sehun lets out a sigh of relief as his finger finally find what they had been looking for. The metal is cool to the touch as Sehun runs his finger along the side, the razor barely penetrating through the first couple of layers of skin. It's not the healthiest of coping methods, but it helps make Sehun feel normal, to  _feel._ The pain gives him a sense of soothing.

Sehun is glad no other member has needed to use the bathroom, he doesn't know if he could explain his current status if any one had come barging in. He's glad he had remembered to lock the door despite his clouded state. The lower half of Sehun's back rests against the bathroom counter as he reaches a hand back to lay on the marble top. With the other hand, Sehun gets a firm hold onto the metal before bringing it to his thigh, towards the inner top— an easy place to hide but not to forget about.

The razor digs into his leg, easily piercing the soft, freshly showered skin. Each new cut causing the previous one to bleed out more. Some places catch on scar tissue, causing jagged lines, but Sehun doesn't mind. He is to busy being transfixed at the sight; bright crimson drips down his legs and he cuts into his skin deeper with his drag. He welcomes the feeling of release as it washes over his entire being; it almost feels like a high– invigorating and numbing all at the same time. 

He feels sticky, trails run down his legs all the way to the floor where small pools of drying blood lay. Sehun turns around to wash off the small piece of metal before promptly stashing it back in its hiding place. He looks into the mirror once again, looking deep into the reflection of his face. Sehun wasn't sure when the bags under his eyes had become so prominent, or where the fading bruise towards the top of his cheekbone came from.

He doesn't know how he had become like this; bruised and bloodied by his own hands, and his throat raw and aching along with his screaming stomach. He doesn't like finding comfort in a razor, or purging out his insides; but he does it for Kris. 

 _I'll stop once I'm perfect._ Kris deserves someone perfect, Sehun thinks whilecrouching down on the bathroom's cold tile, drawing his knees to his chest. His thigh begins to throb from the awkward angle, but Sehun embraces the pain.  _I deserve this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 63kgs is about 138- 140lbs. That was the most recent weight I could find for him, and honestly that is still really thin considering he's over 6 foot tall. 
> 
> I'm still not 100% happy with this but oh well.
> 
> Please comment and tell me what you thought! I reply to all comments. Thanks for reading:)

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and tell me what you thought! I reply to all comments. Thanks for reading:)


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